Archive for May, 2007

Nose plugs


How can there possibly be this much snot in me? Where is it all coming from? I find snot and phlegm truly repulsive and don’t even get me started on how gross it was when I sneezed on myself in the bath this morning. Last night my nose would not stop running so I made two pointy cones out of tissue and stuck them up my nose, not a sexy look but an effective one. Come to think of it though the talented Mr. Rigby didn’t kiss me goodbye this morning.

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Thong Song

I really really do not like thongs. I have tried to embrace them in the name of sexy but they look just hideous on nearly everyone but me in particular. I do not have a small arse so at first sight from behind I look like I am just wearing a thin elastic belt as my arse cheeks have munched the painful cheese slice bit hmmm. They do however have their place, thongs are better under trousers so I do own a few. Today I am wearing one however having just been to the loo have discovered that I have it on completely the wrong way. I have one leg through the waist band and therefore a leg hole for the waist. I really need to start putting the light on when I get dressed. I would change it round but I have trousers and boots on so I can’t be arsed. Will just have to spend all day hoping not to get run over, imagine the shame if the doctors and nurses discover that! It does match my bra though so am sure they would understand.

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I locked myself out of the house last night and the Talented Mr. Rigby was in
Utrecht so I was a bit buggered. All of this was made worse by the fact that I was desperate for a pee, carrying supermarket shopping and then to top it all of approached by the large scary man who runs the internet shop/heroin dealership below my house. He had a nice large parcel to give me which was from bravissimo (yep the shop for big boobied gals). So there I was gorgeous sunny evening stranded outside the front door laden with shopping and bras, what would I do?
Well I called my mum cos she lives in a different country so of course she could help. So after chatting to her about her day and her telling me what a silly thing I had done I decided to go to the pub read my book and eat greasy food till the talented Mr. Rigby came to rescue me.He was most upset at the thought that his dear sweet me would be all lost and locked out so we had a serious discussion about where we could leave a spare set of keys and it was decided that the best pace to leave them was the pub, of course.

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Gin and Tonic, there really is nothing like it, a tall glass with lots of ice, lots of Gin, a drizzle of tonic (slimline if I can get it because that is as good for you as sweating in the gym) and a big fat slice of lemon. It reminds me of sunshine, relaxing, gentle chatter with friends, butterflies and oddly panama hats.

G&T is what I will be drinking this weekend while sitting on my balcony just revelling in the fact that for the first time in months I have NO visitors!! If I had my way I would be doing it naked while farting loudly as I haven’t been able to do any of those things while I was entertaining but the talented Mr. Rigby doesn’t really approve of me sitting naked on the balcony sipping G&T, I think he is worried what the neighbours will think.

Sod it after writing that I think I will have a big G&T as soon as I get home.

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I am not sure what to do with Reginald Perrin this weekend, you see my mother is visiting and she buried my last hamster alive. Yep the poor bastard was so cold (as I had to keep him in the unheated unused spare toilet) that he hibernated so we buried him. In her defence she did seem a bit disturbed when a friendly neighbour pointed out that he may have just been having a nice long sleep!

She never liked him though. My Mother was strictly against pets however we as a family still managed many goldfish, a rabbit (I killed that one), a hamster, 2 chipmunks and eventually two fairly large dogs. But I think she hated the hamster the most. This was  probably because I had a habit of bringing him everywhere with me, tucked in to my pocket or a wee handbag so she was the one often left red faced explaining to the café owner that yes it was her daughter’s hamster and yes we would never come to their establishment ever again.So she hated pets but  I think she let me have so many  because I’m an only child and we moved a lot, it was a form of compensation. As in sorry  you have no friends and no siblings but here feed the fish or stroke the chipmunk. Incidentally chipmunks are pretty cool pets.

Anyway Mother arrives tomorrow and I have stocked up on the provisions, well I have 2 litres of gin so now all I have to do is tell Reginald not to stay in one place too long, cos quick as you know she will have him in  King Edwards cigar box wrapped in a bin bag and six feet under.

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I had a friend visit last week, a very old and dear friend who I love very much. So you can imagine my surprise when halfway through her second bottle of wine, perched on a bar stool, jazz playing in the background she announced. “Well really I think we are only friends simply because I have known you so long, I mean there isn’t any other reason is there.” Hmm I thought as I stared deeply into my red wine filled glass, I thought we were friends because well she liked me, maybe even occasionally found me funny, entertaining, maybe even that we were friends because I like her. A lot. She then followed up this statement with telling me how much she liked my better half, the talented Mr. Rigby but that she thought he was really more her type than mine! To be honest most of my friends think the talented Mr. Rigby is lovely and I have a sneaky suspicion that some of them prefer him to me. They definitely know he is my better half. It is fine though we are still friends, whether she likes it or not! And I did feel rather smug when she spent the next morning throwing up the contents of two bottles of white wine while I read OK! magazine. And Reginald no doubt ran on his wheel extra fast just to keep her awake at night.

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I have just discovered that hamsters reach puberty at 8 weeks, now as you tend not to buy then till they are 4 weeks old that seems like a bit of a tough deal. I mean where is all the cute baby time when they love and adore you. Nope none of that for hamster owners you get 4 whole weeks before they start slamming the doors of their cage, swearing at you under their breath, smoking behind the water bottle and sneaking out to the local underage drinking haunt.

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