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Archive for July, 2007

She aint heavy

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Today one of the security officers at work told me I weighed too much, now as he has no reason to lift me I don’t really see how this is any business of his but this combined with a woman clearly thinking I was pregnant a few weeks ago has driven me into action. I am going to diet. Nasty, nasty stuff dieting I know I will either fall of the wagon in 10 minutes or get really annoying and pious and not touch a single bad thing. This will probably be worse as I will drive everyone nuts and force them to keep giving me compliments. The talented Mr. Rigby is a dietician (not an international rock star like he thinks) so you would think he could help me but the clever boy does not want to get involved. His motto is eat less, exercise more but frankly that sounds like a very slow way to lose weight. Now I remember Annie saying that calories don’t count when you are drunk so am thinking of not eating all day and then getting pissed and eating then. Or I may see if there is a fab new diet out there you know lose two stone in two days or how to lose weight on red wine and crisps.Or I may not bother.

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Home sweet home

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Above is a picture of where I am from or rather where I spent my teens. It is a breathtaking place and I have spent most of this trip wanting to move back. My friend just bought a flat which is just a  15 mminute walk from the beach, so on Saturday in the brief hour of sunshine we bumbled down the wooded path to have a beer while gazing out to sea. It was perfect.

It is pissing it down now though so I don’t feel to glum about heading home besides the DIY fairy has been (Mr. Ribgy) and put up three wardrobes all with a  hangover so that at least deserves a smile rather than homesick wailing, so Tallulah chin up, breathe in you are going back to the Dam!!

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Yummy Mummy/MILF

It is official I have let my self go. I feel this will be the general consensus when I get home tomorrow, my mother will alternate between telling me I have put on weight to feeding me senseless but worst of all I have to face Keri. Yes Keri best friend extraordinaire who has never ever let herself go. She is 35 and has three children ranging from 17 to 12, a husband, a dog, a live in mother in law, a job and she designs her own jewellery and she does all of this while looking fabbletastic!! I know that her son’s friends fancy her and she is way more yummy than most mummys.

But more importantly she is one of life’s true individuals, who wears what she wants how she wants no matter who stares or who laughs. We come from a small coastal town and where a woman walking down the high street in these keri-shoe.jpg

will attract attention especially as she will probably have paired them with a tutu. I really don’t know how she does it, the lovely hair, the make up but I vow to start trying again. I used to be glamorous god damn it!

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“We are going to go see The Valley of the Kings on our holiday” she says excitedly

 “hmmm who are they?” he answers whilst wishing she would quiet down so he could look at the internet

“err a hot new band?!?” she rolls her eyes and thinks sarcastic git, then she looks at him as he says “never heard of them”

“THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS, EGYPT you numnut, tutankhamun, ancient stuff”

Cue a very embarrassed Irish boy and a very smug Tallulah.

Would be a good name for a band though.

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Ellie tagged me to do this 8 biographical facts thingy and I ws very pleased to be tagged, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! So anyway here we go

1) I have moved alot and have kissed the walls every time I have left a place. I have no idea why I do it but I blame mother.

2) I have been known to call acts of a sexual nature – a trip to pleasure town 3) I am an only child but had an imaginary brother till well in to my teens when I used to imagine him bringing his handsome friends home.

4) I used to be able to drink a pint from my cleavage, I mistakenly thought this made me look sexy. Thankfully I can no longer do it as it hurts my back.

5) I am very clumsy but my worst accident by far was falling down the garden steps while very very drunk at my mothers house during her birthday party. As I am known to be clumsy I am told that everyone laughed and waited a little while for me to get up. Then my cousin noticed that a pool of blood was forming around my head. I was unconscious and taken to A&E where I needed five stitches, I was cheerfully informed by the doctor that I could have broken my neck. I refused to let them shave my head so the scar is really bumpy. I didn’t drink for a full week afterwards.

6) I much prefer my world to the real world and live in my own world for a large part of the day. For example when work bores me I sometimes pretend to be a spy and act out the day like I am in James Bond film. I have been in my job for 5 years so I guess they don’t mind.

7) I was given “The Rabbit” for my 30th Birthday, it changed my life

8 ) I am a terrible groupie and celebrity stalker. I have had many embarrassing incidents but no scores!!

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Today is a depressing day, windy wet and grey. And nothing, nothing seems to be going right, first the train was shorter than normal so I had to scramble for a seat, then the coffee machine at the station was not working, then the tram was moved to a different stop due to a broken cable, I forgot my lunch and nobody seems to understand my Dutch today. Today is one of those days when I feel a bit lost and lonely in a foreign country and to make things worse tonight I have the first of a series of going away parties for a dear friend but worse than that it is at a karaoke bar. In the red light district. I can hardly wait, prostitutes, pissed english stag parties and wannabe popstars. I may start drinking now in fact if I find booze in this office I will.

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It has taken a while and been very difficult but I have finally stopped reading Jodie Marsh’s blog. Yes her of the pioneering two belts for a bra look. I got hooked what can I say, it all started with an innocent article in the guardian about an I hate Jodie Marsh web site and ended up with me checking out her own page and god forgive me, registering at her website so that I could read her blog. It is phenomenally addictive stuff, she posts when pissed talks explicitly about her love life and is so self confident it is terrifying. I didn’t fess up to this for a while but then one evening found myself mentioning something about her and blurting it all out. My friend was horrified that I would stoop so low and she watches big brother! I have no idea why this less classy version of Jordan (now that is hard to be, but she is) got my attention so much maybe it is because she is so brazen, so fake so self obsessed or maybe it is because she is a vegetarian with a very high IQ. It is my dirty little secret but I have stopped now, I promise.

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